Forget About WALL STREET, Here's The Real Tale of 80s Greed.

Most cartoon-strip style ads from comics of my youth fill me with a warm feeling of wistful nostalgia. Others, however, made me gnash my teeth with rage even when they were hot off the presses. Take this manipulative turdfest for Atarisoft Games, for example. It all begins innocently enough when towheaded, eager-to-please Maxy invites a few schoolchums over for some friendly video game tomfoolery...

"Madness At Maxy's"? More like "Unappreciative Douchebags at Maxy's". If I had a Leo Sayer perm or a Guy Gardner bowlcut, I might not be so quick to judge others. And check out the Ice Queen! Have some another glass of...I dunno, is that Pepto-Bismol?...and learn some damn manners, young lady! Also, I think Manholes of Venus might actually be one of Dad's, er...private games, Maxy. Better put that one back in his dresser where you found it.

Go eat a bag of dicks, whoever said that! Did you ever consider that maybe Maxy's Dad has other priorities than impressing his kid's rotten classmates? Like, I dunno, keeping Maxy in stripey t-shirts?

Shunned by his peers, Maxy considers putting Dad's pistol in his mouth and ending it all. Instead, he goes for a walk to think of how he can make those awful jerks like him. Luckily, he walks down this particular street:

First of all, what kind of effed-up town has black fire hydrants? Second, that poor dog is so happy because he's thinking, "Hey, maybe this lonely-looking kid would like a new doggy pal! His human pals are obviously a pack of assholes!". Unfortunately, he's shit outta luck, since Maxy has a daring daylight robbery to plan instead. How else would you explain this sad story's conclusion?

Wow, the orange-sweater kid is so excited, he transformed into Harry Osborn! Bowlcut beams with pride, unaware of the awful things Maxy had to do to get his hands on Centipede and Dig Dug. And, where the hell does that girl get off? Does she mean to say that she doesn't have all the latest Atarisoft hits in her household? Heretic! Deceiver! Maxy and his buddies are going to do the Invasion of the Body-Snatchers point-and-scream if they get wind of this information.

I think the thing that has always cheesed me off about this ad is the unabashed, unapologetic, Reaganized consumerism of it. You can just imagine some Madison Avenue sleazeball pitching this after doing a rail of coke in the men's room (I imagine he looks a great deal like Hart Bochner in Die Hard): "Hey everybody, you know how our advertisements always just sort of imply that not owning our products will result in kids being shunned by their peers? Well, how about instead of just implying it, we just come right out and say it! They'll be so terrified not to buy them, they'll pester Mom and Dad right into a third mortgage!"

Screw you, Atarisoft. Screw you, Curly, Bowlcut, and Ponytail. And screw you too, Maxy. Grow a pair, already.