Wednesday Interview: Vordak the Incomprehensible

Recently, I was contacted by retired evil mastermind Vordak T. Incomprehensible in regard to the recent publication of his guide for youngsters: Vordak the Incomprehensible: How to Grow Up and Rule the World. Well, I say "contacted", but it was more like "kidnapped and forced to read a book at photon cannon-point". Still, despite the stress and the fact that I am a bit too old to benefit from the wisdom imparted by the book, I found it entertaining enough to ask Vordak for an interview. Well, I say "ask", but it was more like "plead embarrassingly while an enormous eunuch threatened me with a genetically-modified meerkat". Basically the same thing.

On to the interview!

Hail, mighty Vordak! Thank you for agreeing to this interview at an undisclosed location.

Blah, blah, blah. Next time at least disclose the location to ME—I’ve been wandering around here for hours!

Whoops, sorry about that. So, how is retirement suiting you - has the adjustment to civilian life been difficult? Are you still keeping up world domination as a hobby or have you moved on to other things?

Joining the ranks of ordinary humanity has been less appealing than I had anticipated, largely because ordinary humanity is so…ordinary. What I need to do is find a clump of extraordinary humanity, where I would fit in rather nicely. And no, I have managed to stay away from world domination the past few years. I now enjoy gardening.

I didn't see any sign of this in your book but I had to ask: did you ever employ gorillas in any of your plots? Gentle giant or not, those things seem to be natural tools of villainy.

I have found that gorillas are far too intelligent to serve as minions. I much prefer using zombies or members of Congress.

What would it take to put you back in action? Is there a potential target just too tempting to pass up if an opportunity were to arise?

I have to say I would still jump at the opportunity to dispose of Commander Virtue once and for all. But it would have to be a slam dunk—that leotard-laden lackwit’s repeated last-second escapes from my Diabolically Clever Yet Extremely Slow-Acting Death Traps have been a source of great frustration over the years.

Have you rewarded your art and writing slaves for completing the book? Are their services being retained for a possible sequel?

Slaves? Would slaves be kept locked in a dungeon and forced to do my bidding? Would slaves be fed one cold bowl of gruel a day? Would slaves receive nothing from me in terms of praise or gratitude for their service? OK, I see your point.

And yes, there will be a sequel and yes, they will be retained. I really don’t want to go through the hassle of finding an acceptable illustrator again.

I have a four year-old nephew, and I frequently get the impression that he might have world-conquering tendencies. Is he too young to start his career? Is preschool an appropriate place for such activities?

Preschool is an excellent venue for early Planetary Despot training. I can think of over 37 evil uses for a glue stick alone.

Hmm. If I do introduce my nephew to world domination as a potential career path, what is a reliable way to stay on his good side so that I don't end up ruthlessly enslaved? Will good Christmas presents be enough or should I put in some extra effort?

Well, you will have to prove yourself of some use to the little tyrant if you hope to ultimately hold a place in his Hierarchy of Evil. Early on, I would think wiping cupcake residue off his face and cueing up his Dora the Explorer DVDs would place you in good stead.

Finally, do you have any extra tips for those Vordak devotees shrewd enough to read all of your interviews? Something to give them a bit of a leg up on conquering over those less faithful?

What, for free? I believe I feel an Evil Laugh coming on MUAHAHAHAHA!! OK, I’ll tell you what. Here is an invaluably valuable chart of great value to help get you started on your evil costume design. Remember—you’re only as evil as you look!

Well, thank you again, oh Vordak, both for the interview and for leaving me undisintegrated. *scampers off*