Kitchen Nightmares

You know what? Every comic book blog is going to be talking about Guardians of the Galaxy today (sentences I never thought I would write, say, four years ago), so I am going to go in a different direction and talk about something important.

My two great loves in life are super heroes and food. I like my kids and stuff, but I LOVE super heroes and food. These two interests are combined in the The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook..

Batman knows that Green Lantern green pepper pizza is disgusting.

I have been desperately trying to get my older son, who is four, interested in super heroes. Since he shares my love of food, I thought this cookbook would be a good gateway.

Most of the recipes involve cutting food into super hero shapes (like watermelon W’s in a Wonder Woman themed fruit salad). A lot involve stencils and coloured sugar and other things I am not ever going to do. Some things are just insane. Here are some highlights and lowlights.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...5000% of your daily recommended food colouring intake!

My son REALLY wants me to make this for him. Basically whenever I ask what we should make for any meal, he requests the “tall Superman yogurt thing.”

I’ll be straight: I am not a mother who cares a great deal about my kids eating 100% natural stuff. But it seems like taking yogurt and adding a half pound of food dye is weird. And yogurt is kind of my go-to food for my kid when I don’t want to do anything more than slop some stuff from a container into a bowl (and that’s if I’m being fancy and not just letting him eat it straight from the container). So adding an hour of work to that process is unappealing. Also, I don’t have parfait glasses or long fancy spoons. Or fresh raspberries! What am I, Bruce Wayne?!

However, I would very much like to see Superman eating this dainty thing.

A much more plausible Superman-inspired food is this fun cheeseburger:

Turn it upside down for a Bizarro Burger!

See, now there’s a creative food endeavour that I can get behind! Cut a cheese slice into a Superman symbol, eat the parts I cut off, squiggle a cute little S on there. I love it! I don’t know what that spinach is doing there because that is like Kryptonite to my son, but this burger is definitely something I would consider doing someday.

Also adorable and not too much work, but possibly insane:

"Mom, can I have my hot dog now?" "Quiet! I'm trying to get this knot tied!"

That’s what happens when Krypto is a bad dog.

Some of the recipes aren’t even trying:

Why haven't I been sticking pictures of Superman in ALL of my food?!

Green Arrow has a terrible idea for your kid’s lunch:

Speedy! I get it!

I hate you, Mom.

Oh boy. Sorry, Ollie. Nice try. You are grossly overestimating your popularity with the kids if you think they are going to eat a lettuce leaf full of celery and gooey chicken in your honour.

Aquaman, on the other hand, knows exactly what the kids want:

Who's the lamest super hero NOW?

Yeah! Just throw a handful of Goldfish Crackers in your cereal, kids! Booyah!

Martian Manhunter is desperately trying to get your kid’s love:

"I have an extra X here, if you want to...kids?"

“Kids. May I suggest placing a fondant X on your cupcakes? It will be super fun. Please, kids, come back. It will only take me an hour or so to make and roll out the fondant.”

Batman knows what’s up:

Serving Face.

I have been seriously considering making that my avatar for all social media. I could look at that picture all day. What is this food? Who cares? I think it’s a pita pizza with a custom cut tortilla or something. But that mouth. THAT MOUTH!

Speaking of amazing pictures, I am about to show you the most incredible thing I have ever seen. I warn you that you cannot unsee it. I give you: The Plastic Man cheese toast:

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Guys.

"Please kill me!"

GUYS.

Also, these instructions:

You know...without the eyeballs it's kinda just cheese toast.

Mmmmmm…I love some edible candy eyeballs on melted cheese. Especially with garlic butter.

I assume you can use your favourite brand of edible candy eyeballs. Try to shop local. I have a guy.

I promise if I ever attempt to make anything in this book I will post pictures. And the book is worth getting, if only to flip through and giggle.

The Return!

I've been neglecting this blog for about five years without actually committing to ending it. I've been debating whether or not to start it up again, and I figured if Homestar Runner can come back then so can I! Actually, let's just say that I've been refusing to blog as a form of silent protest until Homestar Runner returns. Or until they make a Winter Soldier movie. Or until Brandon Routh gets work again. Either way, it's time to return!

Here's what I've been up to:

- Raising two sons who I fully expect to be the next Hemsworths;

- Not learning how to use Tumblr because it makes my eyes hurt;

- Watching all those Marvel movies (guys, have you seen Avengers?! It's so GOOD!);

- Google image searching things like "Captain America + Chris Evans + Battle Ravaged";

- Playing a lot of Simpsons: Tapped Out. Like, too much of that;

- Reading no DC titles and enjoying lots of Marvel;

- Watching Arrow on Netflix (quality show, you guys);

- Wondering if I am too old to decorate my bedroom with Arrow ads from comic books;

- Living in the suburbs, trying to figure out how to garden and stuff, failing;

- Reading Pride and Prejudice fan fiction as escapism from house full of males;

- Thinking about exercising, particularly when watching Arrow;

- Dreading the upcoming Superman vs Batman movie (which should be the most exciting thing that ever happened);

- Wishing I had more time to just read a lot of comic books.

I'm not interested in writing weekly comic reviews or anything like that again. I just have thoughts on things that are related to comic books and super hero-based entertainment and I wanna share them here. And rate some more super hunks, because someone needs to check those guys.

Man of Steel

I haven't written in forever, but I feel compelled to add my two cents to the Man of Steel debate that is tearing Superman fans apart this month.

I liked the movie. I don't think it was a perfect Superman movie, but it was an interesting first part of a trilogy. I am glad it is doing well in theatres because I really want to see more with this cast. And we shouldn't overlook how very, very good looking Superman was in this movie. He was very good looking.

Now for some specific, spoiler-filled notes on what worked and what could have been better in this movie.

1. Krypton

I loved the depiction of Krypton in this movie. I liked that they used the idea from comics that Kryptonians are pre-programed in the "womb" to serve a specific purpose. It allows us to better understand Zod's point of view. I generally liked the style of Krypton, except for those weird 3D-image floating computer things that followed everyone around.

Russell Crowe is a brilliant scientist.

I actually really liked Russell Crowe a lot in this movie too. I liked his Gladiator accent and his calm, in-control persona. The movie, overall, was more the story of Krypton than a Superman origin story. Kal-El is just the innocent third party caught in the middle of a feud between Jor-El and Zod. It's an interesting approach to a new Superman series, and I was thankful that it allowed them to tell the origin story in a refreshing, non-linear format that assumed that people knew the story well enough to fill in the blanks.

2. Superman

Much like Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, or Wolverine, Clark "Joe" Kent is a drifter for much of his young adult life, just trying to go unnoticed wherever he is. Unlike Bruce Wayne, he doesn't have a specific purpose to his journey, other than a hope to find out more about who he is and where he comes from. He obviously went to work up in the Arctic because he somehow found out that there might be a space craft there. It's not explicitly shown in the movie how he learns this, and it doesn't need to be. It's one of the things I liked about the movie: it assumed an intelligent audience who didn't need everything explained. I don't think it was lazy storytelling; I think they just wanted to get to the good stuff. I'm assuming the military guys in the bar he worked at in Nova Scotia (!!!) could have inadvertently led him to the spacecraft. He can hear everything, after all.

I loved Henry Cavill as Superman/Clark Kent. Not only was he extraordinarily handsome, he also perfectly pulled off the Superman persona. Quiet, but able to shut someone up entirely with one look or one perfect sentence. He basically makes everyone around him look and feel like complete garbage by comparison. It's not intentional. He's just way more wonderful than any of us could ever hope to be.

I think the scene where he busts through the door of the oil rig, shirtless and covered in flames, could have been extended. Just ten straight minutes of him standing there while the other guys stare at him. I would have been ok with that.

Flame grilled to perfection

3. Lois Lane

Again, great casting. I liked her a lot. She was tough, she was smart, and they looked great together. I like that they set up his career at the Daily Planet at the end of the movie, but also established that Lois and Perry know exactly who Clark Kent is. It just makes sense.

"Hey, girl. How you livin'?"

As an aside, I don't mind at all changing things like that if they make more sense. The Dark Knight trilogy worked really well by creating a "real" world for the characters and mythology, and dropping aspects of the comic books that didn't fit with that world. The story of Superman (or Batman) has been told a million times by a million different writers. I welcome different interpretations. Is Man of Steel the definitive Superman origin story? No. One movie doesn't erase countless great comic books, or previous movies, or cartoon series, or radio dramas or whatever. In the world of Man of Steel, it makes sense that smart people, and especially those who are close to Superman, know who Clark Kent really is. The rest can be fooled. I liked that kryptonite was replaced by a change in atmosphere. Could there be kryptonite in the future movies in this series? Sure. Does there need to be? No. Same with the Fortress of Solitude, or ice breath. The characters were all perfectly portrayed in this movie, and that's what's important. The rest is just frivolous.

4. Zod

Michael Shannon was fantastic. Just the opposite of Superman in every way. I loved him. The fights between Zod (and the other Kryptonians) and Superman were incredible. I thought the speed and power of those battles was perfectly captured.

"Eat a dick, Jor-El"

Should Superman have killed him? Probably not. If he could break his neck, he could also turn his head away from that family. Also: he can break his neck? That doesn't seem possible. I guess it is because it happened, but it surprised me. At any rate, Superman killing Zod didn't really bother me, because he was new at the hero thing, and put in a very difficult position, and was probably at the end of his rope anyway. It had been a pretty shitty couple of days. What bothered me a little is that he didn't really agonize over it. He did a bit right after doing it, but then in the next scenes he's just telling his mom he's going to be a reporter, and telling the military to leave him alone. A scene where someone is helping him work through what he did would be good. Or maybe him being upset that the whole world just about ended because of his presence on Earth? Maybe he thinks about leaving? Or living in isolation? It just seemed like a scene was missing. Also: did he help clean up any of that destruction he caused in Metropolis and Smallville? Those cities were both annihilated. It was like a thousand 9/11s up in Metropolis. He was deliberately throwing Zod into skyscrapers (the city is on the water! Use your head, Supes!). Again, a couple of aftermath scenes would have been good. If you are going to make as bold a choice as having Superman murder someone in cold blood, you really have to justify it a bit. I remember people were very upset after Batman Begins when Batman claimed that he wouldn't kill Ra's Al Ghul, but he didn't have to save him. And then Ra's died in a train crash. The cardinal rule for both Batman and Superman is No Killing, so it is alarming when it's tossed aside.

5. Pa and Ma Kent

I do think Pa Kent was more dickish about his son using his powers than he needed to be, but the man died unnecessarily in a tornado to protect his son's secret, and that's hardcore. This happened right after a car fight where Clark laid down the classic "you're not even my real father!" burn, natch.

I loved the casting of Kevin Costner and Diane Lane. They were like the movie versions of John Schneider (right down to the country music career) and Annette O'Toole. I hope Ma Kent is featured in all future Superman movies in this series.

6. Lex Luthor

It's happening. Get ready people. Next movie, for sure. Superman will learn that Earthlings can be just as psychotic as Kryptonian generals.

7. Levity

There was none. Not one moment of humour in this movie, and that was a real let-down. There was one terrible joke after Lois and Superman kissed that fell completely flat, and also was kind of a burn on Lois? Something about relationships going downhill after the first kiss, but then Superman says "that's only if you're kissing a human" or something? Lois is a human, dude. Smooth.

I think having him work at the Planet will open up more opportunities for humour in the next movie. I hope.

In conclusion, I liked the movie a lot. I would probably like it less if I weren't certain that it sets up a trilogy (at least) because obviously there were a lot of aspects of Superman that we know and love that we didn't get to see yet. I could do with more jokes and less Christ imagery, and way more Superman. Shirtless Superman, specifically. In Nova Scotia.

This should be Nova Scotia's tourism ad

Cursed Linear Flow of Time...

So: I've recently been enjoying both the rip-roaring good times of TV's Breaking Bad and the fun-filled romps of early 90s Punisher comics. In general, these activities have increased my quality of life, but today, in one of those once-in-a-lifetime cosmic realizations that can really ruin an afternoon, I was made aware that the world had missed out on a magical crossover opportunity:

Now, the actual story involves the Punisher getting mixed up with a biker gang/eco-protest group named the Satan's Lords (And their cranked-up leader Hec, who drove the point home by snorting meth off of a Bowie knife and turng on his closest advisors, the cad), but imagine a world in which twenty-plus years wasn't an insurmountable obstacle to creative works interacting with one another.

Picture this world, and now picture an extra narration box on the page above, one that begins, "Word has it that there's a new player on the Arizona meth scene, a mystery man named Heisenburg..."

The Unfunnies:

If there is a recurring theme of Doctor Rocket comics, it is this: even the majestic, alien depths of space can be full of mind-numbing tedium.

Here we find the good Doctor and his nameless assistant on a planet so consumed with civic planning and associated traffic control issues that their first reaction upon discovering an alien spacecraft is to issue it a parking ticket. If only this were a multi-pager, we might have been able to witness the majesty of the alien courthouse. Or perhaps we could have seen the intricacies of a cosmic currency-exchange service and thrilled along with the intrepid duo as they haggled over exchange rates!

Ah, for an interdimensional portal.

The Unfunnies: Angry Calls from the Greek Government

Peter Puptent! Rotund world traveller! Discoverer of marvels! Forder of rivers! Legend in the field!

And his new assistant Lenny!

Peter Puptent's hiring policies need to be tightened up a bit!