Rating the Super Hunks #4: Captain America

2016 EDITOR'S NOTE: I am very disappointed in myself over how lazy this post was. I basically only used images from the Brubaker/Epting run of Captain America. Lame, Rachelle. But I think I rated him fairly, even though I am crazy in love with Steve now.


A very special memorial edition of Rating The Super Hunks.

Captain America, aka Steve Rogers

 Dude driving behind him is snapping so many pics.

Dude driving behind him is snapping so many pics.

Costume/Appearance:

I'm not saying that Cap's costume isn't great, I'm just saying it isn't sexy. At all. I mean, seriously.

 this is pretty impressive.

this is pretty impressive.

It looks like he's about to get shot out of a cannon.

 he does work it, though. i mean, as best anyone can.

he does work it, though. i mean, as best anyone can.

From the swashbuckling bright red boots to the little wings coming out of his head, this suit is a total nightmare in terms of hotness. He really does look ridiculous. My favourite thing about it is the way he wears his giant heavy shield on his back. That's very manly.

 Four guys at a time!

Four guys at a time!

He's got a great body, no question, but this is just not the way to decorate it. Superman looks at this suit and says "Wow. That's a tacky costume. You've gotta tone that shit down."

 He makes that sound a lot when bucky is pummeling him.

He makes that sound a lot when bucky is pummeling him.

That said, I love how seeing the suit always makes Americans in the comics swell with pride to the point that it brings tears to their eyes. And, honestly, I sort of feel it too. And I'm Canadian.

 "let's rub our pouches together."

"let's rub our pouches together."

But it's still not sexy.

3/10

Alter-Ego:

Steve Rogers is not a lot of fun.

 This man should not be the leader of anything.

This man should not be the leader of anything.

He's a military man, through and through, and he doesn't crack a lot of jokes. He does have a blind, naive patriotism that is very charming, though. He also has an adorable fish-out-of-water thing going for him, in that he lived most of his life in the 1930s, and still clings a little to those days.

 "not even war bonds can cheer me up today."

"not even war bonds can cheer me up today."

He's got a sweet, government-supplied apartment. And a big record collection. He likes big band swing music (again, adorable). His clothing is simple, and he's often sporting a tight, white t-shirt. Always a good choice.

 "work on the heavy bag" is a good EUPHEMISM.

"work on the heavy bag" is a good EUPHEMISM.

He's a square-jawed, blue-eyed rugged all-American with a no-nonsense haircut. I'm sure some people are into that, but it doesn't really do it for me. He's reasonably dreamy, but not Bruce Wayne dreamy. Or even Ted Kord dreamy. He does have excellent taste in women though. And he's a fearless, noble hero who selflessly defends the lives of others. I guess that's pretty sexy.

 "Just,,,trying to psyche myself up here. ok...um, could you just put this domino mask on..."

"Just,,,trying to psyche myself up here. ok...um, could you just put this domino mask on..."

6/10

Day Job:

Captain America's day job is...being Captain America. At least nowadays. I liked it in the late 70s/early 80s when he was a graphic designer. It's just so amusing that Captain frigging America would have to find time to finish ad proofs. I also just liked that he happened to be a good drawer. It had nothing to do with his powers. Like, Clark Kent is a reporter because it suits his Superman lifestyle. Ditto with Peter Parker. But Captain America as a designer? That job would just be a pain in the ass.

But he's not a graphic designer anymore, unfortunately. He's a full-time hero.

 "listen, buster! i was considering going to first base with this dame!"

"listen, buster! i was considering going to first base with this dame!"

 i've been staring at this image for a long time trying to come up with a caption and...my god.

i've been staring at this image for a long time trying to come up with a caption and...my god.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm going to give him a 5 out of 10 on this one because I can't decide if not having a day job is good or bad.

5/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Captain America was chemically altered during WWII to be the "perfect man" (crazy scientist guy's words, not mine). He's strong, fast, smart, tough, and agile. These are all good things. He also can throw a giant heavy shield like a boomerang, ride a motorcycle like nobody's business, and surf on a fighter jet.

 the inside of an airplane is for pussies.

the inside of an airplane is for pussies.

Really, you can't argue that Cap's powers aren't sexy. He's pretty much fully loaded with perfect traits and abilities.

 A little something for the captain america foot fetishists out there.

A little something for the captain america foot fetishists out there.

Yup. That's gonna earn him a solid ten.

10/10

Cons:

Well...he's dead. That's a definite minus. Actually, I'm going to overlook that little detail. Particularly because his last words were so dreamy:

 nice going, sharon.

nice going, sharon.

And female comic readers the world over swooned and fainted.

I don't think Cap's going to lose too many points here. I mean, sure, he's no fun at all, and he did kind of bitch out at the end of Civil War, but he really doesn't have many glaring flaws. Other than being dead and all. Sometimes he even loosens up a little:

 "Bucky's alive, sharon! he's alive! i was completely 100% thinking about you when i kissed you! let's have sex in the dark!"

"Bucky's alive, sharon! he's alive! i was completely 100% thinking about you when i kissed you! let's have sex in the dark!"

With sexy results!

I'll take off one point for being boring.

- 1

Final Score: 23/40

Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, even in a super-sexy picture like this, he still looks pretty silly:

 Makes more sense if you pretend this is bucky cap.

Makes more sense if you pretend this is bucky cap.