Rating the Super Hunks #23: Hercules

I had planned on rating Thor as a superhunk this week, but my thoughts kept turning to his old sparring partner. And thus I will now call forward the champion of Olympus,

HERCULES

 Thirsty?

Thirsty?

Costume/Appearance:

His outfit consists of a skirt, a sash, a headband, gold bracelets, a belt, and thigh-high gladiator sandals with studs down the front. Beyonce would look at those shoes and say "those are too much."

  I LIKE THE SASH BECAUSE IT IS CONSTRICTIVE AND UNNECESSARY.

I LIKE THE SASH BECAUSE IT IS CONSTRICTIVE AND UNNECESSARY.

There are a few superheroes who choose to work barechested. That's nothing new. But paring the shirtlessness with a scandalously short wrap skirt is a very bold statement for a man to make. Particularly one his age (thousands of years old).

  BONDAGE DOESN'T GET MORE MACHO THAN THIS.

BONDAGE DOESN'T GET MORE MACHO THAN THIS.

From the waist down he looks like a trampy lady, but from the waist up he's all man. And that makes the bottom half manly too.

I approve whole-heartedly of the full beard. If only all men who choose goatees would instead go for this look.

  NOTE: THIS IS NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF HIS BEARD. IT'S TOO STYLED HERE.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF HIS BEARD. IT'S TOO STYLED HERE.

Hey, and you know what else? I was into that look he rocked during the Prince of Power mini-series. Sort of a beefier Barry Gibb:

  I'M A WOMAN'S MAN, NO TIME TO TALK.

I'M A WOMAN'S MAN, NO TIME TO TALK.

Generally, Hercules is a burly, bulging pile of man. We like that here at the Super Hunk Institute.

9/10

Personality:

He has a big ego. Huge. But, y'know, after thousands of years of being awesome, maybe he's earned that ego.

  HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS WANG.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS WANG.

I actually love Hercules' personality. He loves being Hercules. He loves to fight, he loves to compete, he loves to show off, but he's also got a kind heart. He's a hero, and not just because he can beat the hell out of pretty much anyone without breaking a sweat. He takes care of people, he's a loyal friend, and he's a capable leader. He's chatty, he's funny, and he likes to have a good time. He just generally loves life. You would think that someone who has been around as long as he has would be growing weary, but Hercules is still punching and smiling his way through life.

  UPSKIRT!

UPSKIRT!

He's the world's oldest celebrity. I think it's less ego and more giving the fans what they want.

  HE'S GOT BITCHES IN THE LIVING ROOM GETTIN' IT ON AND THEY AIN'T LEAVIN' TILL SIX IN THE MORNIN'.

HE'S GOT BITCHES IN THE LIVING ROOM GETTIN' IT ON AND THEY AIN'T LEAVIN' TILL SIX IN THE MORNIN'.

9/10

Sexiness of Superpowers:

Hercules is super strong, fast, agile, and basically immortal and invincible. All that good stuff. Certainly can't fault him in this department.

  PLOORGGG!

PLOORGGG!

And, again, not only are his powers great, the fact that he loves using them so much is great.

  HERCULES, PUT THOSE WOMEN DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING THEM.

HERCULES, PUT THOSE WOMEN DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING THEM.

Also, he talks cool.

10/10

  WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO SEEING HIS JUNK HERE.

WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO SEEING HIS JUNK HERE.

Day Job:

Nope. Not for the ol' son of Zeus. Talk about being born with a silver spoon in your mouth! But that doesn't mean he doesn't have hobbies:

  SHOW ME THE FOLK SINGER WITH THAT BODY.

SHOW ME THE FOLK SINGER WITH THAT BODY.

Although he doesn't have a proper job, Hercules does spend all of his time hanging out with an orphaned boy genius. I think that earns him some points.

7/10

Cons:

Besides the ego, I would say that he has some definite commitment issues. He loves the ladies, but never for very long.

  "YEAH, YOU AND EVERYONE, BITCH."

"YEAH, YOU AND EVERYONE, BITCH."

  JEALOUS?

JEALOUS?

You could argue that he isn't particularly bright, particularly for someone who has been around this long. He also turns to violence as a solution pretty quickly.

  I HEAR THAT.

I HEAR THAT.

  HERCULES DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHING BUT THE ECSTASY OF BATTLE.

HERCULES DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHING BUT THE ECSTASY OF BATTLE.

I dunno. I really can't fault this guy too much.

-1

Final Score: 34/40

Dude! That is dangerously close to Winter Soldier's score! Well done, Hercules! You're twice the man Thor will ever be. Jane Foster knows what I'm talking about:

  HE ALSO HAS A PERSONALITY. LOCK IT DOWN, JANE.

HE ALSO HAS A PERSONALITY. LOCK IT DOWN, JANE.

Have at ME, Hercules!