Rating the Super Hunks #18: Iron Man

This is for everyone (including me) who wanted to bump Booster Gold out of the bottom spot on the list of rated super hunks. I give you the man you love to hate, the decidedly unsexy

IRON MAN, aka TONY STARK

 What a douche.

What a douche.

Costume/Appearance:

Tony Stark looks like the douchebag that he is, with his dochebag goatee.

 Seriously, nice face, asshole.

Seriously, nice face, asshole.

His armor, however, is sweet. Very sweet. Costume on, he is one of my favourite looking super heroes. But he also looks like a robot.

 Admittedly sexy for a robot.

Admittedly sexy for a robot.

Are robots sexy? No. Well, kinda...but in the way that a Lotus Elise is sexy.

 Shit, I'd even buy her dinner.

Shit, I'd even buy her dinner.

Yeah. I'd hit that.

Anyway, the armor is real nice. And Tony designed and built it himself. So that's something. Plus...it hides his face.

 The questions left unspoken!

The questions left unspoken!

Maybe I am being a little hard on him in the looks department. I mean, I guess he's got a dashing classic Hollywood kinda look about him. And he clearly works out.

 I am confused by how hot he looks.

I am confused by how hot he looks.

For my money, though, he looked better in the old days with his pencil moustache. And when he was sexily pulling up his stockings.

 Iron Man: Vowing to Take it Easy since 1965.

Iron Man: Vowing to Take it Easy since 1965.

5/10

Personality:

Well, let's see...he's a giant douche. And a recovering alcoholic. But he's also a super genius. And I guess he is sorta fun sometimes.

 "And underneath Tony Stark, I am still a giant douche!"

"And underneath Tony Stark, I am still a giant douche!"

The thing is, Tony Stark has always been undeniably cool. That's basically his signature trait. It used to be all white tuxedos, martinis and cigarettes.

 "You'll have to speak up, I'm holding a cigarette."

"You'll have to speak up, I'm holding a cigarette."

Nothing like enjoying a smoke after a long day of battling evil. And look at those slender, feminine fingers!

Anyway, he isn't cool anymore.

4/10

 Ah, the old faceplant-in-the-crotch defense.

Ah, the old faceplant-in-the-crotch defense.

Day Job:

Billionaire inventor and owner and CEO of Stark Industries. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Full-time douche-bag.

 If 'douchebag' ever needed an illustrated explanation...

If 'douchebag' ever needed an illustrated explanation...

6/10

Sexiness of Super Powers:

Well, he has a sweet-looking suit that he built himself which makes him practically invincible. It also lets him fly really fast, and he can shoot lasers out of his hands.

As always, I award points to heroes who don't have any natural super powers, but I don't know how sexy a guy is who gains powers when he puts on a big heavy robot suit. I mean, anyone could be Iron Man. I could be Iron Man. But I guess I couldn't invent and build an Iron Man suit, so I gotta give props.

 Iron Man is into some kinky shit.

Iron Man is into some kinky shit.

6/10

Cons:

It would be faster to re-name this section "Pros," because listing all the cons could take awhile. Briefly stated, though: an alcoholic whose hobbies include forcing other super heroes to register with the government, and shooting former teammates into outer space.

 Lookin' good!

Lookin' good!

- 10

 I just think this is the most hilarious Iron Man I have ever seen.

I just think this is the most hilarious Iron Man I have ever seen.

Final Score: 11/40

That's what you get, Tony. Truth be told, I actually like Iron Man a lot. But I like him because he's such a tool. You just gotta love that guy.

 Ew.

Ew.