Why has Doctor Doom come to Canada?
a) To demand that Rush add Latverian dates to their latest tour;
b) To meet his favourite Degrassi character (Wheels);
c) To stock up on Clone High DVDs;
d) Ketchup chips
Alright, it's none of the above. It's actually because he's thirsty.
Well that seems reasonable. But of course he completely ruins everything by doing something evil.
I was inspired to post these panels from ALPHA FLIGHT #91 mainly because of this page, which I think is a fine example of diplomacy that I think the G-20 leaders could learn something from.
"And if they are not available, VICTOR VON DOOM demands that it be Bret 'The Hitman' Hart. DOOM would also not mind some maple-smoked bacon."
How awesome do you have to be to get that sort of lightshow happening when you talk?
Time to get back to my roots: making fun of out-of context comic book panels. Because I obsessively seek structure, today's theme is gonna be "Best (something) Ever." Here goes:
Best Alien Race Ever:
They're from Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 202 and I think that they were trying to make the Earth all polluted to that it'd be fit for them to take over or something. Whatever. Their lame plots do not interest me. What makes them great is that they look like crazy blue-haired space-hippies. They've got pink-and-white jumpsuits and little fangs! Plus, they have that mustache thing (which Blockade Boy assures me is called "friendly muttonchops") and Mega Man boots! They're absurdly muscular, so it kind of looks like they'd be good in a fight - but how can anyone that looks like that be good in a fight? They look like Hanna-Barbara characters, man.
That these guys could struggle past their sheer ridiculousness and advance their culture to the point that they could attempt genocide is nothing short of miraculous. Kudos to you, you cosmic dipwads.
Best Advice Ever:
Advice for a villain, that is. This here's another Legion panel, from Adventure Comics No. 325. The Legion visited Khann, the criminal's planet, looking to arrest this brain:
Good old Atro - always dispensing helpful advice. Of course, though there might be no witnesses left after you blow up the planet, there is going to be one clue: the recently-blown-up planet! I mean come on, Atro! You think that nobody's going to be interested in finding out who blew up a planet? Hmm?
"WELL.. MAYBE. BUT AT LEAST THEY WON'T PICK YOU UP FOR LOOTING THE PLACE."
Yeah, whatever, Atro. Nuts to you. NOT APPROVED.
That other guy though, the one laughing, "Billions will die! So what, eh? Ha, ha!" definitely wins a JOHN APPROVED for Best Sociopath in a Cameo Role Ever.
Best Hand Signals Ever:
Way back in the day, Shade, The Changing Man No. 6 featured this panel:
Now I know that these two were coordinating an escape attempt via sign language and facial expression, but I can't help but interpret their conversation thusly:
He: "Hey, baby - you wanna rock out?"
Steve Ditko, man. Guy was ahead of his time. JOHN APPROVED.
Best Use of a Super-Computer Ever:
Adventure Comics No. 342 gave us this look at how the Legion of Super-Heroes spends their free time:
Dancing, games, hedonism! "We're having the big computer decide who'd have the most fun kissing whom."? Man, that's kind of messed up. I mean fine, you're all teenagers, but you hang out together all the time - this kind of thing can only escalate. The next time Star Boy walks by they're going to be all, "We're having the big computer assign us random sexual partners for the night."
"Come join in the fun! The big computer's teaching us about daisy chains!"
"We're all going to make love to the big computer!"
Best Background Character (Lederhosen-Clad) Ever:
From What If No.22, which was about Dr. Doom not being evil or something:
Those are the characters in the background at Dr. Doom's wedding, where everyone's happy because their country's not ruled by an evil megalomaniac. These are some pretty great Latverians, but that little kid in front is the best. Let's take a closer look:
You sure won't, kid. You sure won't.