Watching the Oscars got me thinking about a lot of things this past week. Things like: is Henry Cavill a person, or just a robot who sometimes dresses well but usually doesn't; is Sam Smith really that dumb? and, people in Hollywood seem really cool and in-touch with reality. But most of all I was thinking about the size of actors. Like, the size of their actual bodies. Male actors are beefy as hell these days, guys! Are superhero movies to thank/blame? Almost certainly. Is it a problem? Well...
Before we get to the beeefcake, let's get through some other stuff that requires some visual aids and links.
First of all, if you happen to be reading this the day it was posted, and you live in the Halifax area, come on down to Strange Adventures for Ladies Night! I'll be there!
If you wildest dreams include riding in the Batmobile (?!) with Ben Affleck or riding in a helicopter with Henry Cavill, you can enter the Omaze contest here for five more days. Guess what one of the incentive prizes is:
Yeahhhhh! How much can I spend to be on the other side of the planet when Jesse Eisenberg and some douche with twenty thousand extra dollars sit down to dinner somewhere?
Oh, and here's a fun update: those Batman vs Superman $100 super tickets that allow you to see the dumb movie as many times as you want? They are all SOLD OUT.
SOLD OUT, YOU GUYS!!!!
We also mention the joyless Batman vs Superman sticker set that Facebook recently launched. Here it is:
Just super fun. Here are some of the ones I made very quickly:
Oh, the fun I have at the expense of this dumb movie.
And speaking of which, here is the amazing art that J.Bone did in loving tribute to this terrible film:
Ouch! I love that art so much. So much.
Ok, so real quick, here are some important Oscar things. Chris Evans and Chadwick Boseman presented together and both men looked excellent:
Sebastian Stan was watching from home (or maybe a hotel room where Evans would be meeting him later) with a big pizza:
I cannot believe he didn't invite me.
Here's a screengrab of Chris Evans flirting with Henry Cavill while Cavill stuffs his beautiful mouth with Girl Guide cookies:
But perhaps even more importantly, here is a screengrab of Christian Bale stuffing his face with Girl Guide cookies:
OK, so moving on to Winter Soldier, this is the panel from Avengers Standoff Alpha that made me lose my damn mind:
Seriously! What the HELL, comic?!
Here's a version with no text, and I encourage you to provide your own:
You know, something like this:
And, yes, I know that's a shitty font, but I'm tired and I still have a lot of blog post to write.
HOLD THE PHONE
I say on the podcast that I wish Bucky's apron said 'Kiss the Cook' and I am zooming in now and I THINK IT DOES!
I need to lie down.
Oh, and here is that framed photo of shirtless Sebastian Stan that was gifted to me and now sits on my desk at work, making me look completely sane:
I just tell people it's my astronaut boyfriend who is in space and so you can't meet him.
Wizard World Philadelphia has a bonkers line-up of MCU talent, including Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan. And, like, everyone. You can see the details of the VIP packages here. I see that Georges St-Pierre just got added to the Winter Soldier line-up. I've already decided that I'm not going, but when I look at the photo ops from the 2014 Wizard World I almost want to reconsider.
Holy lord. Let's get to our goddamn topic. I was really excited to post a lot of photos of shirtless hunks as evidence to support my argument but I am exhausted!
But still I persevere!
So here is a side-by-side of Hugh Jackman in the first X-Men movie (2000) and (I think) Days of Future Past (2014) or maybe it's from Wolverine:
In the first photo he looks like a very fit, yet still very human male actor. In the second photo he looks like he is barely containing the nuclear energy that is trapped inside him threatening to destroy the world. And those veins are so gross.
And here we have a couple of actors who did not need to be in the kind of shape they got into for their Marvel roles at all. I'm not sorry about it, per se, but it does seem unnecessary. I give you Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy:
And Paul Rudd in Ant-Man:
Paul Rudd isn't, like, enormous here. But he does look insanely ripped for Paul Rudd. Now, the thing about Chris Pratt is that his new body actually has led to more big roles, like Jurassic World, and even talks of him being the new Indiana Jones. With Paul Rudd, though, I can't really see him becoming an action star at the tender age of 50 (or 19 or however old he is it's really hard to tell).
Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, got to eat a normal breakfast and not wax a hair on his body and gets completely naked in the first Avengers movie. And we are all richer for it:
So super heroes CAN have body hair. Noted.
Well, I guess we knew that from Henry Cavill's hirsute portrayal of Superman:
There is nothing wrong with chest hair, people! In fact there is everything right with it! Just, you know, keep it in check.
We mention that John frigging Krasinksi is ripped now. That's weird. But awesome? It's a shock to my system for sure:
That beard is working for me. Come get me, Daddy Jim!
And here you have your gold standard for insane super hero bodies, Chris Hemsworth as Thor:
The thing is that both Thor and Captain America should look this crazy. That makes sense. But Ant-Man sure doesn't need to be. Nor does Winter Soldier, but, again, not complaining:
And here we have 52-year-old Frank Grillo, aka Crossbones, being more fit than anyone ever:
So, yes, actors are basically athletes now, and to prove my point, here is a promo shot of Chris Evans modeling Fila, because he is the face of their brand. Which is a brand that probably an athlete would normally the face of:
Again, NOT COMPLAINING. AT ALL.
If you are interested in looking like Chris Evans, you can follow his simple workout routine, which is detailed here. Acting!
Or if you want to look like Henry Cavill you can follow his super easy and normal workout plan here. It comes with helpful videos and images of Cavill working out. I have watched them...a few times.
You can also follow his boring ass on Instagram, which is worth it because sometimes he posts photos like this one:
Ok. I think that's enough. Take us home, Chris Evans!